You have made my life complete, and I love
you so."
From the song, "Love Me
Tender." The words and music are by Vera Matson and Elvis Presley.
"I love you!" "I hate you!" "I like it here, very much." "I don't want
to live here! I want to live with the other people!" "You're nice." "You're
mean!" "I miss my dad." "Will you be my mom for always?"
One profession
of child care that gets very little recognition is foster care. Foster care is a
product of adults who cannot or will not perform the parental duties for their
own children. Foster children are the innocent victims of circumstances they
have no control over. A child alone is unable to protect his or herself from
physical and sexual abuse. A foster child often suffers from neglect. Basic
human needs that are denied a child can mean malnutrition, illness and even
death if someone does not intervene to help this child. They are children in
desperate need of safety and security.
Sadly, the demand for foster care
is great. Incredibly, most people are not even aware of this great call to
serve. Many children end up in foster care because, as George, a foster dad for
over twenty years puts it, "The stork left her in the wrong place the first
time." Providing foster care is an admirable duty and a privilege. It can be a
very difficult job. The reward is the personal satisfaction from doing the job
well, meeting the challenges successfully and making an important difference in
another person's life. Foster care is another field in child care that, when
well done, makes a valuable contribution to society and the future of our
nation.
Foster parent? Who? Me? Before you can answer this question, a
prospective foster parent has much to consider.
Consider the commitment.
To agree to provide foster care is to agree to welcome a stranger into your
home. This type of a commitment must have support by all members of the foster
family. You must be willing to give a large chunk of your time to drive the
child to appointments and activities. You will invest time in making phone calls
to therapists, doctors and the caseworker. A foster child may need more time and
attention from you than your other children because of this child's exposure to
rejection, instability and emotional upheaval. The child may suffer from the
abuse and neglect already mentioned and so it will take time for the child to
build up trust. The child may act out feelings of rage, confusion, frustration
and abandonment through bizarre behavior. A foster child may imitate some of the
gross behavior s/he has experienced and it may be shocking to the unprepared
foster family. No one can correct inappropriate behavior over night. Helping a
child to progress and overcome past horror is very time
consuming.
Consider the impact this child might have on you and your
family. You will have one more person to pick up after, do laundry for and to
cook for. Will your children resent the time and attention you must give to the
foster child? What kind of an influence will the foster child be on your
children? Maybe your children will mimic behaviors of the foster child that you
object to. Your children may become aware of the existence of cruelty in this
world. Your children might also learn what it is to truly care about another
human being. They may learn more about compassion and understanding. Your
children may even come to appreciate their own lives and circumstances a little
bit better.
Consider the invasion of privacy. Many people will become
involved in your life. A foster child is not the only one who will enter your
life. Child Protective Services, biological parents, case worker, family support
worker, therapist, respite providers and the Foster Care Review Board will all
play a role in the care of your foster child. Inconveniences and frustrations do
occur. For example, you arrange your schedule to accommodate a foster child's
appointment with a therapist or a visitation with the biological parent only to
have that appointment canceled at late notice. If you are unlucky, you may
encounter non-professionalism: forgotten phone calls, disruptive, unannounced
visits without regard to your personal schedule and informational neglect and
mistakes.
Consider the risks to you and your family. A bitter foster
child may make a false allegation against you or one of your family members. A
child may be destructive and cause damage to your property. Severe cases may
pose emotional and physical danger to your family. These are all reasons why it
is important to get complete information and ask as many questions about the
history of your potential foster child. Things don't always work out.
Lina, an experienced foster mother of more than twenty years has found
sexual perpetration cases to be the hardest. "All children bring happiness, some
by arriving, some by leaving."
Consider your feelings. A heart that is
big enough to let a foster child in, risk's attachment to that child. That big
heart may break when your foster child leaves. You may set yourself up to
experience feelings of failure or anger if things do not work out. Resa Mallet,
a family therapist with the Omaha Psychiatric Association believes it is
important for a foster parent to maintain a professional attitude towards
providing foster care. She believes it is important to acknowledge the
difference between parent and foster parent. Foster parents follow a different
set of realistic expectations than that of biological 'natural' parents.
Consider broken promises. People may disappoint you. Offers to help
during the time you are considering foster care may dissipate once the child is
in your home. Promises easily made can easily break. Be prepared to stand alone
with your family in providing foster care. Something else to consider is the
benefits of foster care. The privilege of helping to develop a young person's
life has priceless rewards. Some of these rewards are helping an abused child to
adjust and function better. Witnessing the change from an angry child to a
happier child and to be part of that change is rewarding to the heart and soul.
The awesome accomplishment of restoring hope for that child's future is better
than any trophy or gold medal. All are possible rewards of a successful foster
care relationship.
Other benefits include an education, a network of
financial support and meeting some terrific people involved in foster care. The
education comes from learning about the foster care system, learning from the
experiences of the foster child and discovering things about yourself. One
anonymous foster parent reports her discovery of nearly unlimited patience, a
vital ingredient to the success of foster care. "Before taking in my foster
child, I knew I had patience but I was amazed to learn just how much patience I
have. My patience seems endless! I can handle things I never imagined I would
need to handle and it doesn't stress me out. Sometimes it wears me down, but I
remain patient. I have never before done anything that has made me so proud as
taking in my foster child."
The network of financial support includes
compensation from the state and child care payment coverage to a licensed
provider. It includes Medicaid to pay for all medical expenses for your foster
child. There are grants and scholarships that your foster child is eligible for.
This financial support helps to enable you to provide opportunities to your
foster child. An example is to enroll a foster child into a fun summer camp
because she qualifies for a special scholarship that covers expenses.
Another example is signing him up in that baseball league because a
grant will cover the cost of his uniform and ball fees. These are some of the
ways foster parents and supportive organizations make dreams come
true!
Foster parent? Who? Me? No, foster care is not for you if . . .
you are impatient. It takes a great deal of patience to be a foster
parent.
you are a perfectionist. A person who is inflexible will not make a good
foster parent. A foster child brings his or her own perceptions of family life
and values. The child needs to feel accepted for who s/he is. Boundaries need
to be clear and established. However, a foster parent must understand the
child's resistance to rules and 'family ways' is the likely result of his or
her non-chosen situation and not a result of stubbornness.
You want a second income. State compensation is small in comparison to the
demands of this job.
You are looking for religious converts.
You are bored and just want something to do.
You are looking to compensate for your feelings of inadequacy or you crave
a distraction to an unhappy, unstable life.
You regard all foster children as dysfunctional and untrustworthy.
Foster parents and therapists surveyed for this article make the
following recommendations for people considering the job of foster parenting:
Know why you want to provide foster care.
Evaluate the skills you have that qualifies you to provide foster care:
patience, time, and abilities to cope with the complications and problems the
foster child is suffering.
Maintain an attitude that is more professional than maternal. View foster
care as a job to establish safe boundaries. Create a secure environment that
allows the child to progress as a person and enjoy a period of peace and
happiness.
Allow the child plenty of transition time. A newcomer to a strange home
does not adapt over night.
Make certain your expectations for the foster child are realistic and
reasonable.
Believe a trainer or caseworker when you are told some kids are extremely
hard to handle.
Ask questions! Get the clearest idea possible as to where this case is
going. Determine the length of time this child will be in your care.
Investigate and explore all of your options. Find out about subsidized
adoption, legal guardianship and other care options available to you.
Investigate the opportunities available to your foster child.
Take advantage of the support available to you. Ask your caseworker for
help and advice.
If you find your foster child is impossible to work with, then admit
defeat and move on. Arrange for the removal of the child from your home. It is
better for the child and it is better for you. Personality clashes do happen.
Fostering can only be effective between people who can work together.
You must have patience and compassion.
Foster care is a very important job. It is not an easy job.
Happy endings do not always happen. The reward is in the 'doing' of this
job.
Check your motives. Are you doing this for the child or for
yourself?
Be realistic about the time you can give to foster care and about the
skills you do or do not have.
If you are a preschool teacher or child
care provider who accepts foster children into your care, here are a few tips:
Treat foster children the same as the others in your care.
If you have a nursing background, consider taking in a special needs child
with a disability. Children learn from each other. A foster child may realize
s/he is not the only one with problems. A disability may be a worse problem
than being in foster care.
Some foster families do communicate with the biological parents.
Communicating a foster child's progress and concerns to a foster parent is as
important as communication is to the other parents.
Establish clear rules between yourself and the foster parent regarding
dismissal and release of the foster child to an adult. Get names and phone
numbers to call if verification is needed for releasing the child to an adult
unknown to you.
Contact the Department of Social Services and ask how you can provide help
for these children.
Terri Jackson, Therapist with OPTIONS Counseling Center would like
everyone to know, "That no matter what has happened to a child, if they can
experience nurturing, safety and acceptance for even a brief period of time in
their life, it can make a difference in their formation as an adult."
Foster parent? Yes! You!
Click to see the ten-question quiz which is
designed to help evaluate your skills that are necessary for this special field
of child care.
Special thanks to therapists, Resa Mallet, MS, LMHP and Terri Jackson,
L.C.S.W. Their experience, knowledge and job performance with foster children
contribute greatly to improving young lives. Their work helps our society. These
professionals are excellent examples of the terrific people involved in foster
care. A great big thank you goes to Lina and George. They are true experts in
the field of foster care. This couple has served in foster care for over twenty
years. In addition to fostering numerous children, George and Lina have six
biological children and have adopted four more. Thankful appreciation also goes
to the anonymous foster parents who took the time to answer a load of questions
for this article. Also, Don Winkler, MA, who has been a case manager, a foster
parent and continues to work with foster parents. God bless all of you. Other
sources include: article, "We're the Real Foster Care Experts" by Sabrina Hines
from Foster Care Youth United, July/August 1996; and the Partnership IDEAS
Network (now Answers4Families).